The signs were all there. I slept poorly, I was still tired when I awoke, the studios were in disarray and I had to scramble to clean up and tidy them in time for each class.
I began to hide papers for a “later review”, and reviewing didn’t happen. One day I noticed that commissions that heretofore poured in, began to trickle.
The many other things in my life that slowed to a halt caught my attention, especially when I did not feel like painting.
Was I depressed? Did I contract an illness?
A skimpily attended street fair last week helped me decide that I was not energetically balanced and that a retreat may allow for whatever needed to be released to surface, then heal it and integrate it into my life.
As I consider dis-ease a sign of imbalance and misalignment in the body-mind-energy field continuum, I knew that disregarding what was happening may seriously endanger my life.
I decided to fast and meditate for as long as I needed, and started by preparing a familiar lemonade drink called Master Cleanse. The next day I sluggishly got up to swallow warm salted water and later had the first of the 7 lemonade glasses I intended to consume, plus several cups of green tea and 2 spoonfuls of olive oil.
Sitting in silence in front of my personal Door Protector, I allowed sadness, anger, negative thoughts and behaviors to surface. I simply watched, as I had no answers. Several hours must have gone by before I took a nap, had more drinks and went outside for some fresh air.
I consulted the Ancient Chinese Oracle I-Ching, which confirmed that I had been following a negative thought pattern that yielded likewise behaviors, compounded by old stories playing in the background. I needed to stop this trend with an attitude reboot.
Day 2 was a combination of lemonade, tea, olive oil, walks, showers and deep meditation to begin healing what Eckhart Tolle calls “the pain body”; the emotional hurts accumulated from negative emotions not faced, accepted, and released when they arose and that eventually become a semi-autonomous psychic entity.
Chanting, meditations, card readings and crystal allies, while facing my Door Protector, offered healing suggestions. But no clear guidelines as to how to integrate all that had surfaced.
On the cusp of Summer Solstice I connected with my wonderful coach and BFFF– extra F for Fairy godmother. I always find in her a heart filled with love and compassion, wisdom beyond this world, and a mutually nourishing vessel. We agreed to talk the next morning and I went to sleep.
I knew I slumbered deeply when I awoke disoriented. But the sun was shining when I did my morning rituals in front of my altar followed by a sincere desire to heal. I picked 2 crystals from the original reading and the card I pulled was still puzzling. It was The Master.
Sitting by my sacred art I was ready for Coach Kimberly, who has the uncanny ability to hold space for what needs to unfold in her client’s life, judgment free. I began to see clearly that regardless of any praise I receive, or accolades I garner from collectors and students, I tend to disregard or downplay them. I saw that I dislike getting gifts, and that when faced with compliments, my old stories resurface to deny merit to my intuition, my actions and my feelings. When I receive compliments, I assign them to my superb skill set, God’s working through me, or sheer luck.
I realized that in denying the wisdom that came from my life experience, or in judging myself pompous when I rejoice in what others think of me, I became misaligned with my nature. I saw that in giving credit to my schooling when I successfully completed a design project, or when my students were grateful for lessons I taught them, I was actually implying that I do not matter. When I view my client’s milestones after a Feng Shui consultation, or when they mention receiving benefits from my artworks, and assign this to my ability to let Spirit work through me; I am denying my Divinity.
Integration ensued when I owned my unique wisdom and aligned with the purpose I was born to fulfill. It happened when I committed to release the past and its shackles, opened my heart wider and embraced the pain body, while affirming that it is because of the sorrow that I am now a being of light able to offer its brilliance to others, fly skies of freedom by creating, and stand firm on the earth through deep human connections.
The 3-day retreat was deeply humbling and nourishing. I am grateful for my Door Protector and for my BFFF. You can read more about Door Protectors, commission your own or purchase a blessed print.
Divine and wise me looks forward to a new commission received today!