Still There

The quality of our lives during and after the eventual end of the virus deterrent social distancing is entirely up to each of us. It is dependent on the thoughts and beliefs that guide our actions in the world.

Personally, this period has given me the opportunity to observe what has manifested around me and for me, engage in deep inner listening and make decisions to make significant changes where I noticed areas that seemed at odds with an existence filled with grace and ease.

 I call it an optimal state of thriving.

Worthy of examination was the physical condition I found myself in. Convalescing from a heart attack I rather welcomed the COVID-19 pandemic retreat just a few weeks into the healing process when I had to balance restorative practices with work-related activities. Forced to slow down, I focused more deeply on the spiritual meaning of a “blocked heart”, and wrote about it in the post, Un Unblocked Heart when I formulated a new vision to live by moving forward.

Buoyed by my committed intentions, I was thrown off when debilitating pain on my upper back overwhelmed me. Weeks of continued chiropractic and Reiki treatments provided temporary relief while trust provided balance.

I know not to force action yet stay grounded in the always alert, non-judgmental, loving, encouraging and solid gold awareness.

Our body-mind-continuum is prodigious at self-healing, pain is not to make us miserable but to make us alert.  Discomfort causes us to inquire into the emotions that hold the hurt in place.

Emotions do not respond to harsh treatment, yet it is important to not wallow in the pain. Inquiring involves embracing and gentle questioning. As to the pain behind my heart, it became clear that I had to learn to practice extreme self-care not only to stay alive, but to take care of my basic needs. However, I was unclear about how to demonstrate my commitment to self-care over and above honoring my skills and talents, taking my medicines, exercising more and reviewing my eating habits so I could lose weight.

My way to tackle a spiritual conundrum has been to meditate and paint.

Thus, in the process of creating and meditating with the art I call Still There, I realized that the densities accumulated in my physical body, simply mirrored what was in my heart and on my mind, and in all I was involved in. Underneath my usual optimistic demeanor, my need to be busy all the time, my perfectionistic tendencies and my desire to be acknowledged and loved, were very destructive feelings that eroded what manner of happiness I could experience.

It’s not that I hadn’t explore my densities. I actually worked on piercing them, as in the painting I call Piercing Densities. Yet, five years later, I was still carrying a deep sorrow, unrepentant guilt, shame and frustration at my inability to enjoy a harmonious relationship with a family member, and packed the pain in body weight.

The dark mass I had pierced in the previous painting was also in the new one, although less dense. Could I penetrate it or dissolve it? When I compared the two paintings, the new one shows more clarity. The pink light of love is still behind it but now interlaces it. Turquoise colored gentle waters swirl all around it and streaks of golden healing light wash over the mass. And it is no longer black! Instead it is covered with violet energy, implying that this time, we both have powerful divine forces helping us in dissolving the pain and releasing thoughts and beliefs that are unhelpful.

I was ready to surrender to this benevolent energy, but I had to focus solely on myself.

My wisdom files say that I cannot fix anyone, moreover, there is nothing to fix and much to learn. Trying to “fix it” repeatedly kept us both stuck in an unproductive and vicious cycle.

In a recent contemplating session with the painting I discovered two magical flowing “robes” dotted with gold and seeming to emerge from a blob that no longer feels ominous. In fact, as the robes move, pink confetti sprays unconditional love into the form.

For the last few weeks, I was able to visualize my loved one filled with benevolent lights. I embraced myself with the same brilliance. I let go of disempowering beliefs and know that in caring for my well-being I am creating a more powerful environment where in time, we can both thrive in grace and with ease.

The pain on my back eased and I shed a considerable amount of body mass. I feel healthy and whole.

If you are called to uncover your own densities, I suggest that you purchase this 9” x 12” acrylic on a canvas panel and carry out a similar healing process and in time,  come to dwell in an optimal state of thriving.

Get Still There now!

7 thoughts on “Still There

  1. Roberta Maynard

    Have you not been well. Did I understand correctly that you had a heart attack? I am so sorry to hear this. Although it seems that you are doing well my friend.

    Would love to see you and maybe have lunch or coffee (if you would like (covid 19 understood).

    I really miss you and your classes and most of all, your inspiration.

    Take care \ Roberta


    1. Hello Roberta and thank you for taking the time to read the post. Indeed I had a heart attack on January 3rd. As usual, I took what seem like a huge setback as an opportunity to learn from it and grow. I have been doing well and have been teaching classes online. I will email you to get together soon.

  2. Since my gym has closed and I don’t have access to a treadmill, I have been venturing outside of my house and walking at least two miles a day. In the meantime, I got a watch for free from my Medicare provider — a Fitbit — and it provides a running total of each step that I take,

    I am getting into the pattern of walking and smiling with lots of compassion at others exercising, walking their dogs, or pushing baby carriages.

    I don’t miss the gym now and I am grateful arthritis has not prevented my legs from doing such a fine job for me and the Universe.

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